One year ago today………

One year ago today it all crashed.  All the plates I had spinning, the balls I was juggling….crashed.  Everything crumbled.  Betrayal, anger, hurt and heartbreak took over.  Hearts were shattered…..many many hearts were broken.  The feeling of desperation and hopelessness was overwhelming for a time.  It is a feeling of being lost and not sure how you are going to make it through until you finally grasp the depravity of the situation and realize the one and only thing you can and should cling to is the hope you find in a Savior.  That Savior is Jesus Christ.

This day has been looming the last few weeks.  I have a frighteningly good memory as far as specific dates go.  That is a blessing and a curse as you often remember things you really don’t want to remember.  Walking through these last few weeks knowing this day was coming, I have talked to my closest friends and encouragers in addition to talking it through with Jeremy.  Everyone has asked “how are you doing?”  “How are you feeling about it…”  Well friends, I can say I walk into it with freedom and peace.  Yes, a tiny bit stings thinking back on it because it was a horrible and tragic day.  However, looking back and reflecting and then evaluating today, I have nothing to hide.  Absolutely nothing.  Zero, zilch, nada.  I walk in a freedom today that only comes from total and complete surrender to the Lord.  What a beautiful feeling that is.  Today Jeremy and I walk hand and hand – nothing standing between us.  Jeremy and I both say we are grateful to have walked this path over the last year.  I am sure you are saying “WHAT?”  Yes friends, we are grateful.  The Lord has created such a beautiful place for us now in our walk with Him, in our marriage and in our everyday lives.  We have learned A LOT that I am excited to share with you in the coming days.  We walk in a peace and contentment that can’t be matched.   Our faith was certainly put to the test – we overcame a great obstacle.  It is only by the grace given to us through Jesus Christ that He has cleansed me and made me new and also made our marriage new.

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I have chosen obedience.  Jeremy has chosen obedience.  The Lord is still working and we are still learning.  Our journey is only getting better.  Through obedience you are blessed with reward.  Do you know what my reward is right now?  A clear conscience. Praise Jesus for that.

I’m excited to share more over the next weeks and months about what the Lord has done and is continuing to do.  Also, what His word says about many things that have transformed my heart over the last year.

Above all – above anything I have said over the last several months remember this:

The greatest reward is to live in God’s presence and enjoy His glory.  Do you know Him?  Let me tell you friends, He is hope.  He is peace.  He is joy.  The ONLY….the ONLY way Jeremy and I have made it this far is through Jesus Christ.  If you don’t know Him today, all it takes is asking Him to come in to your life.  Surrender all to Him and acknowledge He is Lord over your life.  It will be the best decision you have ever made and ever will.

Choose

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I jumped as his knuckles hit the table and split open.  Blood began to pour out and drip from his hand as tears began to fall from his eyes.  I sat there, frozen.  Stunned at the words that had just come out of my own mouth: “I’m having an affair.”  I was thinking:  “this can’t be my life.  I didn’t really do this did I?”  Yes, yes I did.  After the initial confession, it took me an entire day to be completely, totally 100% honest & transparent with Jeremy about everything.  Once that happened……..I didn’t leave out a detail.  Three nights laying awake talking about everything.  Answering every question Jeremy had.  Friends, I owned every bit of what I did.  I blamed no one other than myself.  Naturally Jeremy wanted to blame the man more than he wanted to blame me.  It’s only natural to want to do that and no one can blame him.  Yet, I redirected him every time: I made the choices.  No one forced me, no one pressured me, no one manipulated me.   I did itI made the choice.   As I spoke these words, he wept.  He wept at the realization that I had chosen to betray him.  His knuckles bled, his eyes wept, his heart broke.  All because of a choice I made.

Choices.  We make choices every single day.  Choices not only affect you, they affect everyone around you.  When we choose to walk away from the Lord and walk into sin, we choose a path of wreckage.  It will destroy you.  And until you choose to walk away from sin and back into the arms of our Great King, unrest, anxiety and insecurity will rule you.  Through the schemes of the enemy, you may not realize the unrest, anxiety and insecurity that are ruling you at the time, however over time, it will expose itself.  Within 2 weeks of the affair crossing major boundaries, I lost 15 pounds.  I couldn’t eat.  I convinced myself it was just from the newness of the affair, the ‘butterflies.’(disgusting, I know.)  But that was a scheme, a lie straight from the pit of hell.  What it was was the unsettledness that had taken over my body.  I physically could not put food in my mouth for 2 weeks without vomiting.  People asked what was wrong, how and why I was losing weight so quick.  Since I had struggled with anxiety in the past, I just claimed I was going through a spell of anxiety which caused me to lose my appetite.  Oh I had anxiety alright!  It was the Holy Spirit saying WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?  Why are you choosing to rebel and walk away from Me?  Over time when you walk further and further away from the Lord, it gets easier.  It gets easier to not feel conviction, justify your actions and harden your heart. It gets easier to convince yourself that this won’t hurt anyone and that things will be ok.  One choice is all it takes.  One choice to not guard your heart, one choice to not shut something down, one choice to cross a boundary.  It all starts with one.  Are you struggling with a choice?  Sometimes we simply want to say, “this won’t hurt anything.”  “It’s no big deal.”  Yes it is.  That one bad choice simply makes the next one easier.  I chose temptation over our God.

I challenge you today to choose Him.  Choose Him everyday.  Rest assured whatever you choose that defies the Lord may feel good in the moment but nothing, absolutely nothing compares to Him.  God is better.  Better than anything.  ANYTHING.  When you choose sin over Him, you are saying whatever that ‘thing’ is, is better than Him.  It’s not.  It’s just not.

We must fix our eyes on Him.  Remain so focused on Him that nothing absolutely nothing compares in our eyes.  Never compromise even the smallest of things for it only leads to bigger things.  Choose Him friends.  He loves us, He sent His only Son for us.  Surrender to Him today.  He.  Is.  Better.

“Fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  For the joy set before him he endured on the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”  Hebrews 12:2

More later……